


Respite and Absolution By Haggitha (Archived by Mordhena)

by Mordhena



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: BDSM, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:01:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25784824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mordhena/pseuds/Mordhena
Summary: Summary: John has asked for a friend to send him some items of a more personal nature from home. Only Caldwell finds out and doesn't take to kindly to having things smuggled aboard his ship.
Relationships: Steven Caldwell/John Sheppard
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [paleandfrail](https://archiveofourown.org/users/paleandfrail/gifts).



> Archived with permission of the author.
> 
> Gifted to Paleandfrail whose request for any information about this story led to it being rediscovered in a dusty, long forgotten email vault and brought back into the light of day. (Mordhena)
> 
> A/n This is for Xanthe and Leah. Xanthe because she writes the hottest BDSM stories I have encountered in any fandom in a long time, and for Leah just 'cause she puts up with me firing stuff at her to look over.
> 
> The books mentioned in the story are ALL available on Amazon (LOL), some of which I have read. D/s has been an interest since I was 17 ;) Gorean culture is, in my humble opinion, horrible. John Norman's idea that all women are no more than serving beasts is disgusting. I much prefer his flying elephant creatures and the beauty of the world he created to the people he actually put in it. (He should have stuck to that lol.) - Haggitha

John Sheppard pushed his breakfast around on his plate aimlessly with his fork.

"You know if you're not going to eat that?"

Sheppard looked up just as Rodney McKay stabbed a sausage from his plate and hurriedly bit into it.

"Help yourself, Rodney." Sheppard slid his uneaten breakfast across the table towards his friend.

McKay pushed his own empty plate away and started on the colonel's uneaten meal.

"You know," he said, waving the fork in Sheppard's general direction, "you don't seem yourself this morning. Did you have a bad night or something?"

Sheppard took a sip from his cooling coffee. "What? No--I mean, yes. I mean…" He took a breath. "Look. I just had a lot of stuff to catch up on, paperwork and stuff. I guess my head was just too full of it to let me switch off and get to sleep afterwards."

"Isn't the _Daedalus_ due in today, John?" Teyla asked gently.

Sheppard sighed. "Yeah. She's due in around sixteen hundred. Look, guys, I got a lot of stuff to catch up on before then. If I don't see you for lunch I'll see you at the staff briefing. Okay, buddy?" He patted McKay's shoulder.

McKay hurriedly swallowed what was in his mouth and nodded then grabbed Sheppard's arm as he made to walk away.

"John, the place is running like a Swiss watch. Caldwell won't find anything to chew you out for. Just relax, okay?"

Sheppard gave a little smile and a nod, then turned and left.

McKay shook his head. "We really should try to be off-world when Caldwell comes back. Sheppard's always as jumpy as a bag of cats when he's around."

"I suspect it is just the way of your military," Teyla observed. "Colonel Caldwell is, shall we say, more formal than John, and he likes to point out John's shortcomings. He feels our colonel is too…relaxed, to be in command of the city."

"Wants the job for himself, more like," Ronon rumbled from beside McKay. "I sure as hell wouldn't take orders from him. Don't take orders from anyone."

"You take orders from Colonel Sheppard." Teyla smiled up at her friend.

"Sheppard earned that. He's a good man to have at your back. He's fair and he's loyal."

McKay rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay--much as I would love to sit around and be part of the John Sheppard appreciation society, some of us have important work to do. Some of us take orders from no one but themselves because there isn't anyone smarter than they are." McKay grinned and stood up. "See you both at lunch, if you two aren't running around following someone's orders."

Ronon growled in McKay's direction, causing the scientist to jump. "JOKE! It was a joke! Jeeze, some people are so damned touchy." McKay turned and headed out of the mess hall, leaving Teyla and Ronon to finish their breakfast in peace.

"Wanna spar?" Ronon asked as he finished the last forkful of egg on his plate.

Teyla smiled. "I think that would make good use of our time this morning, I trust the bruising from our last sparring session has dissipated?"

"I'll be ready for that move the next time," Ronon grumbled as he got to his feet and Teyla took his arm.

"Why, when you now know that move, would I disadvantage myself by using it again?" she teased.

***

"Colonel Sheppard?" 

Sheppard turned to see Major Lorne hurrying towards him. Sheppard sighed. He was already late for the staff meeting.

"Yeah, Major," Sheppard answered him. "'Kinda in a hurry here--is it important?" He kept walking.

"Uh, well, Sir…" Lorne held out the data pad he was carrying. "You asked last night if I could help with the evaluation of the new recruits, and Corporal Redman's weapons' inventory that you asked for the other day? Um, it's all here, Sir."

Sheppard shook his head. "Shit. I'm sorry, Major." He took the data pad, turned and pointed in the direction of the conference room. "I gotta--Caldwell's waiting."

Lorne nodded and gave his boss a sympathetic look. "Good luck with the meeting, Sir."

"Ah, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard--I was wondering if you were going to grace us with your presence any time soon." Stephen Caldwell shot Sheppard a withering look as Sheppard sat hastily down beside McKay.

"Jeez, Sheppard, do you deliberately try to piss him off when you know he's after your blood?" McKay hissed in Sheppard's ear.

"No, I damn well don't--I was finishing my reports," Sheppard sniped back.

Elizabeth cleared her throat, bringing the men's attention back to the meeting. "Right, gentlemen, who's first? I'm sure we all want to brief Colonel Caldwell on what's been going on in the last nine weeks. Rodney?" Elizabeth smiled. "Tell us what new developments your team has made."

Two hours and twenty three minutes later, Sheppard and McKay had brought Caldwell up to speed on what was going on in the city, and Caldwell had apprised the senior staff of Atlantis on the ongoing fight with the Ori.

"Very well, gentlemen." Elizabeth stood and picked up her data pad. "I think we can call this meeting to an end." She smiled. "I, for one, am starving, and as our supplies from home have just been replenished I'm looking forward to some good old-fashioned spicy chicken pizza. Anyone want to join me?"

Both McKay and Sheppard stood up at the same time and made to leave. McKay was making some enthusiastic noise about spicy chicken pizza, but Sheppard wasn't listening, just hoping he could get the hell out of there before Caldwell decided he wanted yet another one of his pissing contests.

Too late. "Colonel Sheppard? A moment of your time, please, before you leave?" Sheppard stood stalk still, sighing inwardly. McKay paused at the conference room door, unwilling to leave his friend alone with someone who seemed to make him so very uncomfortable. A quick glare from Caldwell got him moving again, but only to the outside of the doorway.

"Sir?" Sheppard asked, making sure to keep his voice professional and uninterested.

"I noticed you made a request for some personal items among the usual supply requests." Caldwell's voice was equally without inflection, which somehow only emphasized to Sheppard how well and truly fucked he was. "I also noticed," Caldwell went on,"that you had requested that a friend of yours from McMurdo acquire them for you." Caldwell fixed Sheppard with a piercing gaze. "I'm sure you know that our security protocols make that unacceptable. I will not have anything brought aboard my ship that I have not seen and vetted for myself."

Sheppard could feel the walls of the conference room closing in around him and he was sure that the air was getting thinner.

"Colonel Sheppard?" Sheppard's eyes snapped back to Caldwell's. "I assumed that the items you requested--even though they were recreational--must have been important because I have never previously seen any personal requests from you. In light of the fact that you don't normally consider the _Daedalus_ to be your own personal postal service, I took the liberty of acquiring the items that you requested myself." Sheppard barely had time to fully register what that meant before Caldwell snapped, "I will expect you to be at my quarters at twenty-hundred to collect said items. If you prefer not to come and collect them, then I'll leave them in the mess hall." His mouth twitched, but Sheppard doubted it was a smile. "And Colonel, I'll be sure and let them know that the items come courtesy of yourself. Now I think that's all. You're dismissed."

Sheppard's heart was thumping so loudly in his chest he was sure that both Caldwell and McKay could hear it. His knees felt weak as he turned and made his way out of the conference room, leaving Caldwell to gather up his laptop and data pads from both the science and the military leaders.

"What the hell was all that about?" McKay grumbled as he and Sheppard made their way down the stairs and on towards the transport. "What personal items? The man is a louse--we all ask for stuff from home all the time! What gives him the right to pick on you? God," McKay said suddenly, blinking. "You look awful. Are you okay?"

Sheppard swallowed, then ran his hand through his hair, thinking frantically. There was sweat at his temples. "I just asked a pal of mine to get me a load of movies. Most of them haven't even been released to the general public yet." Sheppard hoped he managed to pull off a nonchalant shrug. "You know how Caldwell likes everything to be by the book. No black market stuff, no rips, that kind of thing." He made himself smile. "I guess him getting me them himself is his way of keeping me in line. 

_God, let Rodney buy that explanation. Just this once,_ he thought to himself.

He didn't mention the books he'd also asked his acquaintance to get, the books which Caldwell now knew about. The ones he had quite possibly bought for him, and which he had threatened to leave in the mess, letting everyone know Sheppard had wanted them….

The books, and the other things. The books were bad enough, but the other requests would end his career, end everything.

When the transporter door opened, Sheppard turned right and McKay turned left.

"Colonel?" McKay gestured over his shoulder with his thumb. "Mess hall's this way."

"Yeah, I know," Sheppard said quickly. "--and my quarters are this way. Look, Rodney, I really didn't sleep well last night, so I'm gonna head back to my room, take a shower, get changed then go to Caldwell's quarters to take my medicine, okay?"

More lies. Sheppard hated lying to his friend. But he had no choice here, none at all.

"But you haven't eaten anything!" McKay exclaimed. Sheppard was certain the idea of him missing a meal was unthinkable.

"I had a plate of the green stew at lunch time," Sheppard said, wincing inwardly at lying yet again.

McKay looked at him for a long time, then his stomach rumbled. "Okay, if you're sure," he said, sounding uncertain and unhappy. "But I'm going to get the chef to keep you a plate of those meatballs, at least. You know how fast they go, so if you do decide you're hungry…" McKay stomach growled again and Sheppard wondered crazily if it wasn't out of sympathy for his own--which was doing summersaults.

"Catch you for breakfast," McKay said finally, and Sheppard watched with a tiny flare of relief as his friend turned and headed towards the mess.

***

Sheppard sat on the edge of his bed. He was showered, shaved and dressed in pale blue jeans and a white cotton shirt which lay loose over his hips. He'd go to Caldwell, collect his stuff, come back here and hopefully get back to the rec room in time to watch one of the movies he had asked for.

Maybe Caldwell hadn't bothered with the other stuff at all.

Yeah, right. Like that was even remotely likely.

When it was almost time he made his way out of his room and headed to the transporter. Caldwell's quarters were on the floor below and were surrounded on either side by empty rooms, which was good because Sheppard figured that if he was going to be chewed out and threatened with a dishonourable discharge, the fewer people around to hear it the better.

At exactly twenty-hundred, Sheppard hit the chime and the door slid open.

"Colonel Sheppard, please come in." Caldwell smiled coldly. "It's refreshing to see that you can actually be punctual."

Sheppard took a wary step through the door and it slid closed quietly behind him.

"Lock it," Caldwell said without turning from his position looking out of the window.

"Sir?" Sheppard's mouth was suddenly dry.

"Lock the door, Colonel." Caldwell repeated again.

Sheppard quickly thought the door locked and heard a soft, confirming _click_ behind him.

Caldwell finally turned to look at him. Sheppard's C.O. was wearing tight black jeans that hugged his muscular legs and a black t shirt which did exactly the same thing for his chest. Sheppard thought that if Caldwell looked scary in the kaki green jumpsuit he wore when on the _Daedalus_ , he looked positively menacing now.

Caldwell took a few steps towards the big box that was sitting in the middle of his bed and Sheppard fleetingly thought he was going to pass out.

" _Rush Hour 3, the Simpson's Movie, Pirates of the Caribbean 1, 2_ and _3_?" Caldwell laid them out on the bed. " _Sunshine, Shaun of the Dead, Alien versus Predator._ " Caldwell raised an eyebrow at that but said nothing, " _The Bourne Ultimatum, Death Sentence_ , and, finally, _Transformers._ " His mouth twitched again in another near-smile. "My nephew likes that one."

Sheppard swallowed hard as he stood stiffly at attention. "Movie nights are a good way for the teams to relax, Sir. We pass the DVDs around."

"There were also some books you wanted." Caldwell looked over Sheppard with a critical eye and delved back into the box, pulling out one book after the other and tossing them onto the bed. "The books of 'Gor'?" Sheppard flushed bright red and his posture stiffened further. "John Norman's Gorean world is pure fantasy, Sheppard," Caldwell said. "People are not animals--they shouldn't be treated like animals in any relationship." Sheppard could hear the distaste in Caldwell's voice. "'The story of O' is supposed to be one woman's journey into submission, but as far as I'm concerned, Submissives being used by Dominants who have no concern for the emotional welfare of the sub are just abusive." This book was thrown down with the others and Caldwell watched Sheppard quietly. 

Sheppard could feel himself beginning to shake even as his mouth was going into typical John Sheppard snark mode. "It sounds like you've read them, _Sir_ ," Sheppard said.

Caldwell's eyes sparkled and Sheppard was sure that for once the true touch of a smile reached the corners of Caldwell's lips.

"I've done some extensive reading on the subject, yes," he said easily. "But theory and practice makes the best combination." Caldwell's eyes bored into Sheppard and this time the smile was there and it was almost predatory.

"I took the liberty of purchasing some books for you that I thought might be more informative."

Caldwell leaned into the box again and pulled out another pile of books, reading out the title as he dropped each book onto the bed. "'Leathersex--A Guide for the Curious Outsider and the Serious Player' 'S/M 101--A Realistic Introduction'. Bound to Be Free--The S/M Experience.' 'The Bottoming Book'." 

Sheppard realized he probably looked as bad as he felt, considering how Caldwell's expression went from near-smug and still predatory to concerned.

"For God's sake, Sheppard," he said surprisingly gently, "sit down before you strain something or pass out."

Sheppard looked around for somewhere to sit and eventually had to take a few steps forward and sit on the bottom of Caldwell's bed.

His stomach did another flip when Caldwell reached into the box again, this time pulling out a carrier bag. He tipped the contents out onto the bed beside the books. 

Three butt plugs in various sizes and colours and wrapped in clear cellophane bounced onto the bed, along with three dildos, each different lengths and girths.

"Oh God," Sheppard said breathlessly. He'd been hoping Caldwell would have just ignored those. He'd been hoping…. "Look, Sir, I can explain! Those books--and the, the other things--were just a joke!" Sheppard said desperately, knowing only too well that the books and the toys together didn't make this look in any way like a prank.

Sheppard groaned when Caldwell ignored him and instead dipped back into the large cardboard box. This time he brought out the leather paddle. He dropped it on the bed and then reached back into the box to bring out the leather crop, which he tapped gently against his hand.

Sheppard was captivated by the way the small whip moved, the sound it made as it moved through the air, the tapping against Caldwell's skin. He didn't even notice Caldwell take the few steps towards him--and then the crop was stroking his neck and tilting his head back until his gaze met Caldwell's.

"What are you, Sheppard?" Caldwell asked quietly. "What's all this about? What are you inside?"

Sheppard's lips parted as Caldwell ran the soft leather flap of the crop across his lush bottom lip, down Sheppard's long slender neck, over his chest until it came to rest gently on Sheppard's crotch.

"What are you?" Caldwell asked again, tapping the crop lightly against Sheppard's cock which was swelling beneath the denim jeans.

"I don't know," Sheppard said, his voice breaking under the intense gaze of his commanding officer. "I…." He swallowed, voice thick, but somehow he couldn't not answer. "Something Carson said one time when I went to him because I couldn't sleep." Sheppard forced down the lump in his throat. Losing Beckett had been one of the most painful experiences he had ever endured--worse even than losing his friends in Afghanistan. Beckett was more than a friend, more than a comrade. Beckett had been like McKay, and Ronon, Weir and Teyla--a member of John Sheppard's chosen family.

"What did Doctor Beckett say, Sheppard?" A tap on his aching cock brought him back to the present and Sheppard flicked his gaze instantly back to meet Caldwell's.

"Carson told me about this friend he had back in Scotland," Sheppard said. "He was some rich surgeon--private practice, his own jet, a speed boat, everything you could want. Carson said this guy was one of the smartest, most self-assured people Carson had ever met. Only he couldn't switch off."

Caldwell kept his gaze fixed on Sheppard and the tip of the crop moved in tiny little circles.

"Continue."

Sheppard licked his dry lips. "Carson said his friend got interested in domination and submission. He said his friend, being the kind of guy he was tried his hand at topping because he figured that went with his lifestyle and personality. Turned out he was a submissive. The only time he could relax was when he was being dominated or serving his Mistress." Sheppard swallowed again. "I've been kinda wondering ever since how…how it would feel just to switch off for a couple of hours and, and just lose myself. The books were, um, research."

Caldwell arched an eyebrow. "And the toys?"

Sheppard could feel himself blushing, but he didn't look away. "They just seemed to go with the bits and pieces of information I've picked up." He licked his lips again. They felt like sandpaper. "Sir."

Caldwell seemed to consider all that. "So, do you see yourself as dominating another human being, Sheppard?" The crop kept moving, hot as hell and terrifying. "Can you see yourself punishing another human being just because it pleases you to do so? Can you see yourself modifying and correcting another human being's behaviour to suit your own needs? Would that help you 'switch off'?"

Sheppard shook his head slowly. "No, Sir," he said honestly. "I don't think that would help me sleep nights, Sir." On some level he'd known that all along.

He couldn't believe he was talking like this, that he was saying this to anyone, admitting it.

"Then I'll ask you again," Caldwell said levelly. "What are you, Sheppard?"

Sheppard hadn't thought his heart could go any faster. He was glad he was still sitting down. "I think I might be a submissive, Sir."

Caldwell nodded, as if that was only reasonable. "Do you have someone in mind who you would trust as your top?"

Sheppard shook his head. He'd thought about asking McKay--he'd wanted it to be McKay for awhile, but in the end he'd never brought it up. It would change the dynamic of their friendship, in ways Sheppard couldn't even begin to imagine. McKay was the closest friend Sheppard had; he wasn't going to jeopardize that. Not even to try to get what he needed.

Caldwell ran the crop back up Sheppard's body and rested it beneath his chin. Sheppard tried not to miss the feel of it against his cock and failed.

"Straight, gay or bisexual?"

Sheppard blinked in surprise. "What, Sir?"

"You heard me," Caldwell snapped. "Now answer the damned question, Sheppard. I know you ride enough women--McKay isn't the only one who calls you the Kirk of the Pegasus Galaxy. What I want to know is, have you had sexual experiences with men?"

"Sir?" Sheppard looked around, his heart pounding like it was going to break out of his ribcage. "Sir, we have rules about that. About asking."

For the first time Caldwell's look hardened. "I'm not here to trip you up, Sheppard," he said. "If I'd wanted you out of here, believe me, I could have found easier ways. Now answer the question, Sheppard! Have you had sex with a man?"

"No!" Sheppard met Caldwell's hard gaze head on. "Yes. I mean, not in the way you would think. It was just a couple of quick hand jobs at boot camp and when I was stationed at McMurdo. One of the guys…." Sheppard blushed furiously. "We fooled around sometimes. We were usually pissed on bootleg liquor. It was just blow jobs. Once or twice."

"And how did it feel, Sheppard? How did you feel afterwards?" Caldwell asked relentlessly. "Repulsed? Angry? Turned on?"

Sheppard tried to look down, away from the piercing gaze of his commanding officer, but the crop under his chin kept his head tilted up.

"Answer me, Sheppard. How did it feel to be sucking another man's cock?"

Sheppard's shoulders slouched, his body almost shrinking in on itself.

"It felt good," he whispered. "There was just him and me and I closed my eyes and concentrated on making him feel good. We just needed to feel good sometimes. We've all lost friends, seen things people shouldn't have to see. When I had my mouth around him…There was nothing else in my head except the noises he was making. Everything else was quiet--no pictures of my friends dying. No screams." Sheppard took a deep breath. "So I guess that now's the time you bust my ass out of the air force for having homosexual relationships with another soldier?"

The crop slid down Sheppard's body again and tapped lightly against his cock, then Caldwell leaned over and picked up the bundle of DVD's, dropping them into the empty carrier bag on the bed. Then while Sheppard watched numbly, Caldwell picked up the books that Sheppard had requested as well as the ones Caldwell had purchased for him.

"I have no intention of busting your ass out of the air force, Colonel," Caldwell said. "What I _do_ want is for you to take the books I picked out for you and read them, especially book on bottoming. It's geared towards submissives. It explains why they feel what they do, what they can get out of their submission and how to come to terms with their needs. There are a few chapters on how a dominant gains total submission from his chosen sub but all of us are different and we all have different tricks of the trade so I wouldn't take any of it as gospel. The other three books are more geared towards the role of the dominant. I got them because I wasn't sure what you were. They outline the necessary commitment and disciplines a dominant requires in order to keep his submissive safe. There are a few references on how to create the right atmosphere in order to manoeuvre their submissive into the right head space so that they can achieve that peace you so dearly seem to want."

Sheppard's hands were shaking when he took the carrier bag from Caldwell. 

"I'll keep the rest of your toys here, Sheppard," Caldwell said. "If you decide to take the journey to find out who you really are inside, they'll be here when you need them."

Suddenly Sheppard felt what could only be described as a ball of heat in the pit of his stomach.

"Sir?" he asked softly, "do you know someone? Someone who could give me a little peace, sometimes? A little respite?"

Caldwell walked towards the door and motioned for Sheppard to follow him.

"Sheppard," he said, in a more gentle tone than Sheppard had ever heard the officer use before. "I've been a top for almost twenty years. I can take you to places inside yourself that you never knew existed. I can give you the peace and--I think--the absolution that you're looking for."

"You, Sir?" Sheppard stared hard at his commanding officer, looking to see if he could see any lie in the statement Caldwell had just made.

The door to Caldwell's quarters slid open and Sheppard took a step outside.

"Go back to your room and think about what I've said. What is it you are? What is it you want? I'll be here." And this time when Caldwell smiled, it was genuine.

The door to Caldwell's quarters slid quietly shut, leaving John Sheppard alone in the corridor.


	2. Chapter 2

John twirled the pencil on the desk in front of him, if McKay could indeed integrate Ancient technology into the operating systems of the Daedulus’s fleet of F-302’s giving them the same cloaking abilities as the cities own puddle jumpers it would certainly be a huge tactical advantage. Rodney was standing in Elizabeth’s office gesticulating wildly while Radek nodded and added a comment here and there either to support or to question certain statements made by Rodney but on the whole they both seemed to be rather excited.

That same excitement didn’t seem to have infected Elizabeth as she shook her head in mock dismay at the incessant chatter going on between the two most brilliant men in the city.

“Are we boring you or perhaps keeping you awake Colonel Sheppard?”

John had just given the pencil one more twirl and was gazing down at it without really seeing it to be honest. He didn’t know why he always brought a pen or a pencil to these meetings; it wasn’t like he ever actually used one he just did.

He gazed up to see the piercing brown eyes of Stephen Caldwell burning into him.  
“What? Sorry – no I’m listening Sir, I think it’s a great idea if the guys can actually pull it off. It’s a hellova lot harder for someone to shoot at you if they can’t actually see you.”  
He turned towards Rodney, “is it something that only the gene carriers will be able to activate Rodney? I mean if there’s one thing that we’ve discovered since we’ve arrived here it’s that the Ancients and all their fancy gizmo’s usually only behave properly when activated by someone with the gene.”

Before Rodney managed to answer Radek had started to talk.

“Is very likely yes, Ancient technology as you rightly say is responsive to its creators but is our opinion that enough personnel will respond to the gene therapy to make it viable. *IF* idea works in practice.” Radek suddenly stopped and looked at Rodney who was busily pulling up the schematics of the F- 302’s on his lap top.  
There was silence and then Rodney realised that the people in the office were waiting for him to say something. 

“Oh, er yes, yes, what he said, most probably you know, with the gene thingy. So we good to go?”

Rodney turned and looked at Elizabeth who in turn looked firstly at Sheppard then at Caldwell.

“Colonel Caldwell, would you be willing to let Dr McKay and Dr Zelenka experiment with one of your fighters?”

Caldwell nodded. “The Daedalus is going to be stationed here for the next four weeks anyway and I’m all for giving anything that gives us a tactical advantage over the Wraith our best shot. I’ll let Doctor Novak inform Hermiod that you’ll be in his territory for the few weeks.” Caldwell shook his head and flashed Elizabeth one of his very rare smiles.

“John?” Sheppard looked up from his again spinning pencil.

“Yeah?” he said rather distractedly.

“It’ll mean your team is on stand down until the Daedalus returns home unless you want to draft in one of the other scientists?”

Sheppard glanced up and looked at Rodney whose almost dizzy hyperness since he had walked into Elizabeth’s office suddenly stopped. 

“I think the team could do with some downtime,” he said gently to Elizabeth while he looked at his friend. “Teyla has been itching to spend some more time on the mainland now that the harvest is due in and if I know Ronon he’ll just be itching to be wherever Teyla happens to be. I could use the time to get some reading done and some of that paper work you’re always harping on about up to date. And anyway I’m sure Rodney will need me at some point. I mean being the strongest gene carrier the air force actually has with the exception of General O’Neil means that I have to be available for switch on duty isn’t that right McKay?”  
Rodney beamed, his posture relaxing immediately but his mouth saying something completely different just because that was the way he and Sheppard were together.

“Yes well you know it really is the only reason we brought you along in the first place. I mean who knew Atlantis would be such a slut for a flyboy?”

“Jealousy will get you no where McKay,” Sheppard grinned.

“Well if that’s all?” Caldwell’s voice broke in on the friendly banter between the pilot and the geek. “I’m sure that we all have things that we could be doing.”

Caldwell stood and bowed his head slightly towards Elizabeth. “Dr Weir, Doctors,” he turned now to face Sheppard, “colonel, I’m sure you want to get back to your reading and your paperwork, now if you’ll excuse me I have some paperwork of my own to be getting on with.”

Sheppard got to his feet quickly as Stephen Caldwell spoke giving him a kind of half salute. 

“Of course Sir.” Sheppard felt his face flush slightly, he wasn’t normally so formal around the colonel, in fact most times he rarely made eye contact and grunted half hearted acknowledgements to anything Caldwell said. He took a quick glance round and found Zelenka now huddled over Rodney’s shoulder looking at the schematics of the 302’s. No one had seemed to notice his eager jump to his feet.

They decided to make that night movie night seeing as Rodney would be spending most of his time working on the 302’s and Teyla and Ronon were going to the mainland but it turned out to be rather more perplexing than relaxing.

“He’s a captain?” Ronon looked at the screen and scowled as Captain Jack Sparrow flounced his way onto the jetty of the small settlement then proclaimed his name was Smith and proceeded to steal the takings of the harbour master.

“It’s a comedy Ronon, just watch; Cap’n Jack does loads of cool things”. Ronon however was not impressed well not until the brave captain jumped into the water and rescued the leading lady.

“So they gonna hang him Sheppard?”

“Just watch the movie big guy.” Sheppard sighed.

“Kinda reminds me of me,” Rodney said grinning round a mouthful of popcorn. “The poor guy is obviously misunderstood. It’s not his fault he ended up being a pirate just the luck of the draw. And beneath all that mincing about he has the heart of a lion and he’s so much smarter than the rest of them.”

“Rodney…..” Sheppard warned, and Rodney just grinned and stuffed more popcorn into his mouth.

Teyla was not impressed either by Elizabeth’s swooning and Sheppard had to explain that it was because she couldn’t breathe properly because her corset was so tight.

“Why would she wear such a contraption if it has such an effect on her health?”

“Well that’s just what the women in those day’s did,” Sheppard tried to explain. Teyla just shook her head.

“Well I enjoyed it,” Rodney said as he helped clear away the empty bowls that had held the popcorn and the beer bottles.

“I don’t think either Ronon or Teyla appreciated the humour,” Sheppard said taking the DVD from the laptop and slipping it into its case.

Rodney stopped to pick up an empty bottle from the side of John’s bed.

“The Tarnsmen of Gor?”

“What?” John slid the DVD into a box with the others in his collection.

“You have the Tarnsmen of Gor? – damn you have the Outlaw and the Priest Kings as well! When did you get these? I thought you were still reading War and Peace.”

“I am,” John said uneasily, “One of my old company at McMurdo sent me those I’ve not read them.”

Rodney sat up on John’s bed hauling the books up from their hiding place beneath it.

“God I think every male student at college read these at one point. Always wondered if you know one of these days we will step through the stargate into a world like Gor. I mean RT173 had three moons and looked pretty promising for a while until we discovered that the Rucha were on a par with the Genii. Not a slave girl or Tarn in sight.” Rodney chuckled.

“You really think you could be comfortable in a world that treats women like chattle?” John said sitting down beside his friend.

“Nope,” Rodney smiled flicking through the pages of the first book. “But come on when your in your late teens its every boys wet dream that he’ll be whisked off to a strange new world where sex is on tap 24/7.”

“Take them,” John said patting Rodney’s knee and grinning, “revisit your youth, from what I read of the synopsis the coolest thing they get to fly is a giant bird the size of an elephant and that’s not exactly my thing.”

“You sure?” Rodney said picking the three books up.

“Yeah I’m positive, if you have these to read in the evening I’ll at least be sure that you’re resting and not working yourself to death trying to get the cloak to work on the 302’s and I expect you to keep our Thursday night chess game.”

Rodney gave an exaggerated sigh as he stood up and headed for the door muttering something about “there not being enough of him to go around” but he grinned, “You know colonel that I never give up a chance to whoop your ass at chess. See you at breakfast.” And with that he disappeared out of the door.

John thought on the little light above his bed and turned the other room lights off as he reached into the top drawer of his bed table. He pushed aside War and Peace and lifted out the copy of SM 101 that Caldwell had given him. He had read smatterings from all of the books but this one he felt was the easiest of all to understand.

He was relieved to read that he was indeed considered to be ‘normal’ and not some sexually depraved pervert. A great many submissives held positions of power during their working day. To the outsider looking at them they were the dominant self assured people that could be relied upon to get the job done. And they did get the job done but on many occasions it was at great personal cost.  
How many times had he himself made decisions that ensured the safety of Atlantis but perhaps lost a team in the process? It was fine for those around him to pat him on the shoulder when the crisis was over and tell him that he made the right call but in the quiet of his own quarters he would see the people he had lost and it would take him apart.  
Being sexually submissive in the bedroom didn’t mean that you were weak it just gave your mind a chance to heal. Everything you did while you were in a scene with your chosen Dominant was guided by them. 

He really wasn’t sure that he was into pain as sex play to be honest but all of the books seemed to have something positive to say about it. It was something he would need to discuss with Caldwell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Author known as Haggitha is not actively writing at this time, however she has generously granted permission for her works to be archived here on AO3. If you leave comments, she _will_ see them.


	3. Chapter 3

John arrived in the gate room at roughly the same time as a bleary eyed Rodney.

“What’s going on?” John barked at the sergeant who was on duty.

“Its Lieutenant Ackles team Sir, they have the gate opened from their side. The last message was from the Lieutenant, there’s been an attack on the village.”

John quickly scanned the gate room. “I want another security team up here on the double, God knows what could come through that gate. Do we have a com link?”

The sergeant nodded. “Ackles? Lieutenant Ackles, this is Sheppard report!”

There was silence then a crackle then the sound of automatic gun fire. 

“What the hell’s he doing?” It was Sam Quinn’s voice. “Fuck he’s trying to get to Jess, he’s gonna give away his position!” 

Sheppard was shouting again his hands gripping the communications console as Rodney moved closer to his side nudging the sergeant out of the way.

“With the gate open we can’t get to them.” Rodney said glancing at the readings which indicated the gate had been opened for only tem minutes and they would have twenty eight minutes to wait before they could dial in and attempt a rescue.

“Quinn? What the hell is going on?”

Sheppard heard the scream of a woman’s voice then another burst of gunfire.

“Colonel Sheppard?”

“Quinn, Sammy? What the hell is going on? Who’s attacking the village?”

“Don’t know Sir, they are after the flowers, you know the poppy ones we came to negotiate for?

“Can you disengage the gate so that we can send in reinforcements?”

“Not a chance in hell Sir there is a squad of them directly between the gate and us. I have Terry here with me he’s bleeding out bad. I saw Dr Turner go down and I can’t see the lieutenant I think he’s been hit, he’s not answering his radio.”

“Rodney?” Sheppard turned to the scientist.

“Sheppard, John,” Rodney said more quietly trying to keep his own anxiety out of his voice. “There’s nothing we can do until the gate closes.”

“How long?” It was Elizabeth’s voice. Sheppard turned to see Elizabeth moving towards them Caldwell at her back.

“Twenty one minutes.” Rodney said quietly.

Sheppard cursed to himself.

“Sammy you need to keep them off your back for just a little while longer. Is your position secure?”

“We’re in a shed next to one of the big barns where they store the harvested flowers.”

There was another burst of machine gun fire. “Shit stupid little fuck what does he think he’s doing?”

Sheppard realised that Quinn was talking to himself. “Oh fuck! Harry, Jesus you idiot don’t you dare try for the DHD!” 

“Quinn! Keep your position, stay down.” Sheppard barked through the com.

They heard the rustling movements of the soldier as he made his way out from his hiding place.

Sheppard repeated the order as the sound of automatic machine gun fire was filling the air.

“Sergeant Quinn! I said keep your position.”

Sam Quinn’s voice echoed round the gate room, “Damn you Harry, get down.” 

There were more screams as the clip from a P90 emptied then there was an almighty bang and a sickly gurgling noise came through the com.  
There was silence in the gate room for a moment before Sheppard found his voice.

“Quinn? Sergeant Quinn report!” Sheppard’s command was met by static. 

It was nearly an hour before the team from Atlantis managed to dial up PX109. Despite Rodney’s speed whoever it was that had attacked the small village had immediately dialled out again as soon as they had disengaged the link to Atlantis and they had taken the flowers with them.

“Sheppard led his men through the gate leaving a protesting Rodney behind. They found Harry Ackles body close to the DHD, Jess was a little further back. They moved further in the team going to search the shed next to the big storage barn and the surrounding buildings. Sheppard knew that Sam had went to cover the young lieutenants back he looked around for signs of his sergeants body and was met with the remains of a half charred corps. He motioned to two of his men to bring a body bag. It was his mantra, dead or alive nobody was ever left behind, ever.

“Sir we found Watts,” Sheppard merely nodded already fighting not to let his anger take over.

“Sir, he’s still alive,” Sheppard looked up his mind moving from investigating the slaughter of one of his teams to rescue.

“Atlantis this is Sheppard have a medical team waiting in the gate room we have a badly injured survivor.” He watched in a kind of trance as his men hurried quickly passed him holding their precious cargo. They had a chance to save one life. The bodies of the dead were carried more slowly, with care and reverence. 

“Any survivors from the village?” Sheppard asked a young corporal as he passed. 

“Found most of them tied up in a basement Sir. Our team being here must have taken them by surprise.” Sheppard nodded. “Find out if they need any medical help I’m going back to Atlantis.”

The young corporal gave Sheppard a sharp salute which seemed totally lost on his commanding officer and turned heading back into the village.

“How is he?” Carson would have expected John to be at the side of one of his men but he wasn’t sure Kellar knew how the he felt when one of his men got hurt.

“You can’t speak to him yet colonel he’s just out of surgery.”

“John crossed his arms across his chest. “I didn’t ask if I could speak to him I asked how he was.” Kellar studied him for a moment. “We’ve had to amputate his left leg above the knee. There was too much damage, Sergeant Quinn must have put a tourniquet on to stem the blood loss but it was on too long.”

John nodded. “Anything else?”

“He has a nasty concussion it could be a while before he comes round.”

“Call me when he wakes up.”

“Of course Colonel Sheppard,” her voice softened, “I’ll let you know as soon as he’s awake I promise.”

Sheppard turned and headed out to find Elizabeth. He appraised her of what he thought had happened. The group that attacked the village were mercenaries and they were after the crop of flower’s probably for the same reason that Atlantis had went to barter for some of them. The flowers were not unlike those of the poppy, they could be used to produce a powerful narcotic and the seeds were of high protein value and considering that there could be times when supplies from earth were a little late getting through they would not go amiss on Atlantis. The botanists had been sure if they could just procure some of the seeds that they could produce their own crop and keep the medical and catering staff happy at the same time.

“I guess they didn’t expect anyone else to be there in the village. From the evidence we saw they seemed to be well armed, automatic weapons like our own and grenades perhaps.” He shivered recalling the remains of Quinn’s charred body.

Elizabeth nodded patting him on the shoulder, “get some rest John.”

John turned and made his way back to his quarters. He was tired but his mind was racing, he wanted to hit something but the only person he sparred with that knocked the hell out of him was on the mainland. Ackles was only 25, fresh baby faced and eager, Quinn had been with the expedition from the beginning. He was a seasoned soldier that had signed up for the one way ticket to another galaxy. Jess had been with them for only a few months. Fuck! What the hell had he been thinking? He had been sure that this mission would have been straight forward. 

Sheppard pulled off his boots and BDU’s and pulled on a worn pair of sweatpants and trainers. He would run, he would run until he was too tired to think. Too tired to think that he had sent a team with an inexperienced leader through the stargate to their deaths, too tired to think about the order Quinn failed to follow.

He ran for an hour and a half round the lower levels of the city stopping only to wipe the sweat away from his eyes when it began to sting so much he could hardly see. His mind was on fire, questions, guilt, weakness, his feet moved but he didn’t know where he was going and then he looked up finding himself standing outside Caldwell’s door.

He didn’t knock and the alert that someone wanted access didn’t sound but the door opened for him. Atlantis could still find her way through his troubled thoughts.

Caldwell was sitting in a chair with his feet up on a small table by the window. He looked up as the door slid open all the way.

“Colonel?” 

Sheppard just stood staring as Caldwell got to his feet. 

“Come inside John,” Caldwell said as he moved towards the cabinet and lifted out a bottle of whisky and two glasses.

Sheppard took a hesitant step inside Caldwell’s room and the door slid quietly shut behind him.

“We’ve been here before, sit down.” John looked around to see that the chairs that had been covered in Caldwell’s unpacked clothing were now free and that he didn’t need to sit on the end of the bed.

Caldwell handed him a glass and Sheppard took it in a shaking hand Caldwell’s hand covering Sheppard’s to steady it as he filled the glass with whisky.

“Drink it,” he said as he sat down opposite Sheppard.

“I ....there was no reason for me not to lead that team. I...should have gone...why the hell didn't I go?” John said while staring into the glass.

“What you think you can be everywhere and save everyone?” Caldwell shook his head, “well you can't ...you're not invincible and you being there would only have meant that we wouldn’t be having this conversation because you would be dead as well.”

“He was only a kid, he wasn’t ready.” John took a gulp of the whisky his eyes watering slightly as it burned its way down his throat.

“He was a Lieutenant in the US marines he wasn’t a kid Sheppard he was a soldier. He knew the risks and he was just as ready for that trip through the gate as you were when you made the first trip to Atlantis.” Caldwell’s voice had hardened slightly in an attempt to break through the sea of guilt that Sheppard was drowning in.

“You didn’t make a wrong call Sheppard he was with two very experienced marines.”

“Quinn didn’t follow orders,” John looked up into the dark eyes of his CO  
.  
“He did much the same thing as you did when you went after Colonel Sumner. You were just lucky you survived.” Caldwell replied.

Sheppard took another long drink from his glass his hands still trembling.

“How long did you run?”

Sheppard glanced at his watch, it was nearly 9am, “an hour maybe two,” Sheppard replied. 

“What have you on today?” Caldwell asked taking a drink from his glass. 

Sheppard shook his head slowly, “I have target practice scheduled after lunch with some of the new civilian arrivals, not got round to cancelling it. Lorne and his team have gone back to village to see if the survivors have any idea who it was that raided their crop.” He looked across at Caldwell again. “He has a dozen marines and a puddle jumper there with him just in case they come back. Everything else has been suspended until after Sam’s funeral. He had no family; he wanted to be buried on the mainland.”

Caldwell nodded and sipped at his drink,

“Did you read any of the books I gave you?”

Sheppard looked up startled for a moment and then nodded his head, “I---some of them---bits of them actually, there’s a lot out there like me if I was to believe what they say,” he said quietly.

“There are,” Caldwell fixed him with a steady gaze. “You might have the ATA gene but you’re not that unique otherwise.” Sheppard found himself transfixed, caught like a deer in the headlights of a car.

“Finish your drink then get into that shower,” Caldwell motioned behind him, “and get yourself cleaned up. When you’re done you come back out here to me and we will have another drink then you will get under that quilt,” he nodded his head towards his bed and you will sleep here until I come back.”

Sheppard opened his mouth to protest and then he closed it and stared for a long time at Caldwell. He had wanted someone to make the decisions, was this what was happening? “I don’t know if I’m ready, strong enough even for all that stuff,” he said quietly.

Caldwell took another sip of his drink. “You’re going to do exactly what I tell you to, you’re going to shower have another drink then sleep while I take the civilians for their weapons training. Do you understand?”

Sheppard suddenly found himself bone weary. “And when you come back?” 

“When I come back I’ll sit with you until you wake up and then we will have something to eat and we can talk about what you have read and how you feel about it.”

Sheppard swallowed hard, “you won’t expect me to do anything?”

Caldwell raised and eyebrow, “like what?”

“I don’t know, Sheppard blushed.

“The only thing I’m expecting you to do is shower and sleep.” Stephen Caldwell’s voice softened, “I’m not your Dominant John but I am your commanding officer and you need to rest. I’ve read your files, I know how self destructive you can get when you lose anyone. This time I’m not going to allow that to happen. Now I think I said hit the shower.”

Sheppard drained the last of his drink putting the glass down on the small table between himself and Caldwell. “Yes Sir,” he said quietly as he got up and headed into the bathroom.

Caldwell finished his drink and lifted his laptop, he had a list of every Dominant, Submissive and Switch currently serving in Atlantis courtesy of the IOA. One name stood out from the others, he really should have deleted that name but he couldn’t bring himself to. Carson had been his, his to play with and his to love. The soft natured Scot had been a switch up until the time he met Stephen just after SG1 discovered the Antarctic site. They hit it off instantly and Stephen had stepped up to the plate and became Carson’s Dom. They had both decided that Carson should not miss out on the experience of searching for Atlantis. It had been a hard decision to make but Caldwell had known about the proposed building of a super ship and he had secretly hoped that they would not be apart for ever.

On occasion they had actually discussed John Sheppard. The doctor worried about him constantly, fretting when John didn’t sleep or missed meals. He pondered over his mental state, wondering if some times the Lieutenant Colonel was teetering on the edge of depression. The man had been forced to put his commanding officer out of his misery, he had mutated into a bug, been close to death after being tortured and fed on by a Wraith. Extreme situations in extreme circumstances that would have caused a lesser man to buckle but John just kept going. Kept taking the knocks, kept taking the blows without more than a complaint about being unable to sleep

Caldwell shut down the screen and grabbed the flask from his desk when he heard movement in the bathroom, a moment later John Sheppard stepped out with a towel wrapped around his waist. Caldwell poured coffee into two cups adding a little whisky to the one he handed to John. John seemed to be riveted to the spot unable to move until Caldwell took his arm and manoeuvred him towards the head of the bed. He pulled back the quilt and took a step back giving the soldier some space. 

“Get in,” he said gently and then he turned and made his way over to the window drawing his hand across the control that made the clear glass darken and shut out the rising sun. When he turned John was still standing, swaying slightly as if uncertain of what to do next. Caldwell sighed and gave his head a little shake and in a few strides was back at Sheppard’s side. He slid his fingers under the damp towel and pulled it free of John’s body tossing it onto the back of the nearest chair. 

“If you can sleep standing up that’s fine.” Caldwell soothed but I think you’ll find it more comfortable to sleep in the bed.”

Sheppard turned and tilted his head to one side and Stephen Caldwell could see every question and every anxiety currently flooding through the officer reflected in his eyes.  
He lifted his hand and took the mug from John’s fingers laying it down on the bedside cabinet then he lifted his hands again resting them on John’s bare shoulders pushing him down onto the bed. He let John settle for a minute before he swept his legs up and positioned John in the centre of the bed. Then he pulled up the quilt.

“I told you to sleep,” Sheppard watched Caldwell for a moment, there was something powerful about the colonel and Sheppard felt strangely at peace with the big man standing over him. He closed his eyes and waited to hear Caldwell leave but he didn’t, what he heard was the sound of a chair being drawn up beside the bed and the soft hum of a laptop start up. A few minutes later and John Sheppard had been claimed by sleep, his exhausted mind all too willing to welcome the darkness knowing that there was someone waiting just within reach if he needed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Author known as Haggitha is not actively writing at this time, however she has generously granted permission for her works to be archived here on AO3. If you leave comments, she _will_ see them.


	4. Chapter 4

I'd been floundering for a couple of weeks trying to get John to make a decision about his life and suddenly the minister who was performing a Christening I was at on Sunday gave me the words he needed to hear to make that leap.

***

John Sheppard opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. The shadow making its way slowly across it was stretching from the wrong direction. John swallowed hard. He had hoped that he'd been having some sort of bizarre dream, but he hadn't been--he was lying naked in his CO's bed.

Cautiously he sat up, pulling the quilt tight around him. Stephen Caldwell was sitting at his desk, typing quietly into his laptop.

"Sir?" John asked, fighting to keep his voice normal.

Caldwell looked up. "You're awake," he said. "How are you feeling?" He reached over, grabbing another flask and a mug. "I really need to get a coffee maker into this room," he said. "When the engineers come down and make the room next door accessible from this one, I'll turn it into a lounge-cum-office," Caldwell poured the hot dark liquid into a mug then got up and handed it to John. "It'll give me a lot more room." He sat back down at his desk and watched John take a tentative sip.

"Wouldn't it be easier to move into senior staff quarters on the fifth floor?" John asked, mostly because the normalcy of the conversation was something he desperately needed. "I know a few of them are still empty." John held the cup to his lips a little like a shield between himself and Caldwell.

"I prefer it down here," Caldwell said, taking a sip of his own. "No one comes around much, so I get some peace. Living on the _Daedalus_ can get claustrophobic at times. All the cabins are the same size and there isn't a lot of room, so you're always bumping into someone." He looked at John, and his expression softened. "You look better."

John took another drink. "I'm sorry, Sir," he said. "I…I don't know…I don't know why I came here."

"Don't you?" Caldwell closed down his laptop. "You know," he said gently, "you're not the first officer to lose a team. You're allowed to feel some responsibility, John, but in the end, you need to realize that you made an informed decision. You sent soldiers out to do a soldier's job."

"Jess wasn't a soldier," John said quietly.

"No," Caldwell agreed, "but she read the mission reports just like all the other scientists. She knew what she was getting into. There are no guarantees here, John."

John gave a small shiver. It sounded so simple, when Caldwell put it like that--like something John could believe, a reason to forgive himself.

"Thank you," he said.

"What are you thanking me for?" Caldwell asked. 

"For not turning me away," John said.

"Sheppard…." Caldwell took a breath. "John, I'm not your enemy. I never have been. My door was always open. It _is_ always open. I think you know that." He put down his coffee mug, then turned in his chair to look at John straight in the eyes. "You've always had a problem with authority figures, but it seems to be the one thing that you need."

John shook his head and looked down, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm not good at taking orders, and I've fucked up more than a few times because of it."

"I know all about you, Sheppard," Caldwell said, and John's head snapped up. "I've spoken to your previous CO's. Not one of them has a bad word to say about you. None of them could fault you on anything except the recklessness you had when it came to your own life. You made them feel uncomfortable because they knew it would just be a matter of time before you failed to follow orders and put your own life at risk." Caldwell waited while John absorbed this, his eyes slowly widening. "Nothing's changed, John. You're still far too willing to shoulder all the responsibility for everyone's actions, and still far too willing to die for someone else's mistakes."

John closed his eyes. Sam Quinn had failed to follow orders. If he had stayed in position, chances were he wouldn't have been discovered. But instead Sam followed his instincts and went to cover the young lieutenant's back. His actions were reckless, but John understood them completely. But that didn't change how he felt, knowing his own failures to ensure Sam Quinn followed his orders had cost the man his life.

"I can see why they wanted me the hell away from them," John said. "They didn't want to feel the way I'm feeling now." He took a long drink from his mug, welcoming the burn of the alcohol. 

Caldwell nodded. "I'm sure that's true," he said. "It's a hard thing to live with." There was something in the way he spoke that made John lower his mug to look at him again. "And I think that's why you're here, John, and I think you know it, too."

John swallowed, but he didn't say anything.

"You need someone you can trust to make the decisions for you, even for just a little while," Caldwell said, still looking steadily at John. "Isn't that's what you told me the night I made you come and collect your books?" 

John gave a small nod.

"It might surprise you," Caldwell continued matter-of-factly, "but there are a few Dominants on Atlantis. I can give you their names and you can talk to them if you like. Some are civilian and some are military. If you tell them what you need, explain to them what's going on in your head, they'll listen."

It took a moment before John could make his mouth form the words. "Are you on that list, Sir?"

Caldwell gave a little huff. "God, yes. Nothing gets passed the IOA--I'm right up there on the number one spot." He smiled ruefully. "Not that I've given them cause for concern. I play very discreetly, so they leave me alone."

John was about to say something--ask about the others, though part of him really didn't want to know, when his earpiece chirped on the table beside him and John jumped slightly. 

"Sheppard? Sheppard, where are you? I know you probably don't want to eat but I'm starved and you have a duty as team leader to make sure the Science Head of Atlantis stays healthy, remember?"

John didn't answer immediately. Part of him wasn't sure he'd be able to carry on a normal conversation, and another part was terrified that Rodney would somehow know where he was, what he was talking about, just from hearing his voice. John looked at Caldwell, then realized a second later that he almost felt like he was asking for permission to speak, and that was terrifying. The more so because it didn't feel nearly as wrong as it should have.

"McKay's worried about you," Caldwell said, and if he had seen any of what John was feeling on his face, Caldwell's own expression stayed as neutral as always.

"Yeah." John swallowed hard. He gestured vaguely at his radio. "I, uh, I should go and make sure that he eats and gets an early night. He tends to get even crankier without sleep and I don't think Radek or Hermiod…" He tried to smirk. "--Hell, anyone, deserves a bitching McKay."

"Sheppard?" Rodney sounded genuinely worried now. "Sheppard? Are you there?"

John grabbed his ear piece and slid it into his ear. "Rodney? Hey buddy," He said quietly, grateful that Caldwell stayed completely silent. "Isn't it kind of early for you to be finished work?"

There was a short pause before Rodney answered. "You vanished after you came back from the planet. Elizabeth said you had given her a verbal report, and I'd assumed that you had gone to bed. But when I stopped by you weren't there."

"I slept for a bit, then decided to go for a run," John said quickly, thinking how damn lucky it was that Rodney couldn't see his face. "I'm fine, Rodney. How about I meet you in the mess in half an hour?"

There was another pause, and John felt his heart speed up, desperately hoping Rodney wasn't about to ask him anything he couldn't answer. But, "Right. Mess hall. Okay, I'll meet you there," was all that Rodney said, then clicked off the radio with his usual brusqueness.

John let out a small sigh of relief, then looked up at Caldwell again. "I should go," he said, then wondered if he'd overstepped some kind of boundary, though he didn't think any had been set. He hadn't felt this out of his depth since he'd been forced into taking over the military of Atlantis.

He waited for Caldwell to say something.

It felt like a small eternity later when Caldwell finally nodded. "Check your email. I've written a report for Stargate Command based on what you told Dr. Weir, as well as letters to the families of each of the dead. I'd like you to read through everything, and if you agree then send the report and the letters on. I understand that Sam Quinn wanted his effects donated to the local veteran's organization in his home town, so I've asked that someone deal with that. You'll also find that list I was talking about." Caldwell got up from his desk and headed towards the door. "I'll give you some time to get yourself dressed." 

John made himself meet the dark eyes of Stephen Caldwell. "Thank you, Sir," he said.

Caldwell nodded and walked past him and out of the room.

***

John felt numb as he stepped through the Stargate and into the gate room at the SGC. A medical team came up beside him instantly, flanking a gurney which held a sedated Terry Watts. The soldier had been in a constant state of aggressive agitation since he had woken to find out he was now crippled and that the rest of his team had died. Dr. Keller had finally been left with no option but to sedate him to stop the soldier lashing out and hurting himself or her staff. 

John stood to the side, watching as two coffins were pushed slowly past him. For a minute he screwed his eyes tightly shut so he wouldn't have to see it. 

"Dr. Weir, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard." The voice came from somewhere to John's right and he swung around, automatically raising his hand in a salute.

"General Landry," John said, his voice tight.

"I'm sorry to see you back here under such regrettable circumstances." The general returned John's salute and motioned for him and Dr. Weir to follow him.

"I read your report, Colonel Sheppard," Landry said, "and you have nothing to reproach yourself for--but the IOA will still want a few words with both you and Dr. Weir." Landry ushered them into his office to wait for the delegation from the IOA. "This has more to do with losing civilian personnel than with Lieutenant Ackle's and Sergeant Quinn's deaths." He poured both Elizabeth and John a coffee and sat down with them to wait.

Three hours later, and John began to fidget and squirm in his seat. He had answered every question to the best of his ability. The delegates had listened to the recorded radio communications from the gate room and read the transcript of it. They had heard John's order to Sam, they had heard him repeat his order and they had listened again to Sam Quinn die. Elizabeth shot him a concerned look, which John ignored, hoping she wasn't actually seeing how desperately he was trying to hold it together.

He had to endure another thirty minutes before the meeting was brought to an end. It had been no one's fault, the IOA had unanimously decided. SGA-7 had merely been in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

John watched, distant with relief as Richard Woolsey and two others he didn't know left him and Elizabeth sitting with the general.

Landry broke the silence. "I understand that Sergeant Quinn will be buried in the Athosian burial ground on the Mainland?" 

John nodded. "He had no family here, Sir but he did have…." John hesitated, then looked from the door back to Landry. "He had someone he was very fond of on the Mainland, Sir, her name was Kyala." John swallowed the lump in his throat. "Sir, if it would be acceptable, I'd like to go see Terry Watts before they send him to the military hospital."

Landry nodded. "Of course, Colonel. The funeral for Lieutenant Ackles isn't until tomorrow at fifteen hundred hours. You can accompany private Watts to the hospital, if you'd like." 

John nodded. "Thank you, Sir. I'll think about it, Sir. If you'll excuse me." He saluted, then turned and headed out of Landry's office.

He made sure the General couldn't see him before he broke into a run. 

The next day John stood in his dress uniform at the graveside of Lieutenant Harold Ackles. He listened to the minister utter words of sympathy and support for Harry's parents and his two sisters before he started the service. John felt his tie choking him and made a little noise in the back of his throat. Elizabeth's hand came up to rest on his arm for a moment and then the contact was gone.

"A man that takes no risks in his life is but half a man," the minister said. "He has learned nothing, he has nothing, he _is_ nothing. He does not grow towards the light and the warmth that God has provided, for fear that he might be seen and taken. Instead he grows cowering in the shade, hiding from himself and those around him. Without the sun and the warmth he never blossoms, he never reaches his full potential." 

John looked up and stared at the minister. "Harry was not someone who lived his life in the shade," the minister continued. "He lived his life to the full. He was proud to fight for his country. He was proud to put his life at risk so that his family and friends could be free. He was not half a man--he had the courage of his convictions and the love of many."

Those words echoed around inside John's head as he made his way quietly back to his quarters on Atlantis later that evening. Sitting tiredly on of his bed, he lifted his laptop, turned it on and opened his email. He downloaded Cadlwell's reports and letters to look at a little later, then began to scan the list of names that Caldwell had sent him, trying not to think too hard about what it meant, that he was reading it.

He crossed off each one of them mentally, for one reason or another, until there was only one name left on the list.

Stephen Caldwell. It had to be him.

Caldwell knew what it was John needed. He had made it clear to John that he didn't see John as weak, merely confused about his needs. And Caldwell demanded obedience, even when John was too tired and confused to obey. John thought about the order to sleep in Caldwell's bed, and about how quickly sleep had claimed him, safe in the knowledge that the powerful man that was his CO was sitting beside him as he slept. 

John lifted his radio and stared at it for a long time. Then he took a deep breath and opened a private channel.

"Colonel Caldwell, Sir?"

There was a few seconds of silence, then the quiet was interrupted by a sleepy, gruff, "Sheppard?"

"Yes, Sir," John said, swallowing hard. 

Caldwell's next words were more awake. "Is something wrong, Colonel?"

John Sheppard closed his eyes, unsure of what he was getting himself into but needing somehow to take that step, even though part of him felt he was going over the edge of an abyss.

"Sir," he said, concentrating on keeping his voice even and calm. "I went over the list of names you gave me, and I was wondering…could I come speak to you?"

There was silence for a moment, then,

"Tomorrow, John, after Sergeant Quinn's funeral." The Colonel's voice was softer now than John had ever heard it, and he wondered how deeply the man had been sleeping before he had disturbed him. "We can discuss your needs--and mine—then." 

There was a pause and John made to answer, but was stopped by Caldwell's next words.

"Sleep, John. Tomorrow is time enough to have that discussion." John closed his eyes, listening to the command and taking a certain amount of comfort from it.

"Yes, Sir," he said. The com link went silent and John lay back on his bed, exhausted.

Tomorrow he would seek out Caldwell after laying Sammy Quinn to rest. Tomorrow he would offer his CO a different kind of servitude.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author known as Haggitha is not actively writing at this time, however she has generously granted permission for her works to be archived here on AO3. If you leave comments, she _will_ see them.


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm no good with words" Ronon had said absently as he walked with John, Rodney and Evan back to the puddle jumper following the Athosian burial and wake held for Sammy Quinn. "It's why I decided to walk back with you to the jumper. You know to give Teyla some time to comfort the girl. Did you know she's pregnant?"

"Who is?" Rodney stopped dead in his tracks. "Teyla?"

Ronon turned and drew Rodney that, we all know you’re the cleverest man on Atlantis but sometimes you really are thick look. 

"No not Teyla, Quinn's woman she's four months gone." Ronon said with a tinge of sadness in his voice.

John felt his chest tighten and a wave of nausea flushed through him causing him to stumble.

"Sheppard!" Rodney had made a grab for the soldier as he tipped forwards using all his weight to keep the man from hitting the ground.

"Sheppard? Colonel are you ok?" Rodney stood at John's side rubbing his back as John leant forwards his hands flat on the front of his thighs as he took deep slow breaths trying to regain his equilibrium. 

"I'm fine Rodney," John's head had been pounding before he left Atlantis for the funeral and now it felt like it was being cracked open.

"You don't look fine." Rodney scowled." Did you eat anything this morning? I didn't see you in the mess hall".

John pulled himself upright and straightened out his uniform. "I said I'm fine Rodney. I've got a bit of a headache and I guess I wasn't looking where I was going and tripped."

Rodney frowned then searched the pockets of his jacket bringing out a power bar and a blister pack of pills.

"Here, eat!" He held out the power bar and the pills to John who took them reluctantly. The headache was real but he couldn't tell any of his companions that the real reason he stumbled was because of the shock that Sammy Quinn's girlfriend was carrying their child and that Sammy was dead because he couldn't make the man follow orders.

He let Rodney fly the jumper back to Atlantis on the pretence that Rodney needed the practice, Evan taking his position as co pilot while John sat quietly in the back of the jumper gathering his thoughts.

"So see you tonight for chess?" John turned to see Rodney exiting the jumper behind him.

"Rodney, look I honestly don't think I could concentrate on the game right now could I maybe take a rain check?" He enjoyed his chess games with the scientist but right now his head was all over the place. The funeral, the revelation that Sammy was about to be a dad, his meeting with Caldwell –

He knew Rodney wasn't stupid. He knew that his friend knew that he wasn't at his best right now. He hoped Rodney wouldn't press him too much.

Rodney's expression didn't alter though and a sense of relief washed through John as the scientist patted him on the shoulder and said, "Wouldn't be fun if I didn't have to work at beating you. Meet me in the mess at six for something to eat before I head back to the Deadalus?"

John nodded and felt the tension lifting a little from his shoulders. "Sure Rodney, 1800 I'll be there."

He watched as Rodney scurried out of the door in front of him the hint of a smile coming to his lips as he heard a smattering of "if he's done anything, if the idiot's broke anything while I've been gone," echoing along the corridor into the bay.

Back in his room John stared at the screen of his laptop reading over the letters of commendation that Caldwell had taken the liberty to write for him. It would have been all too easy for John just to hit send and have Stargate Command dispatch them to the grieving families. 

The report that Caldwell had written describing the events that had taken place which had lead to losing SGA7 had been factually accurate and acceptable to the IOA and the military heads but John just could not send the letters that Caldwell had written to the families of the team he had lost. They were his people and there was none of his grief or pain in the letters. All each letter said was that their loved one died heroically while serving their country. Their country John thought bitterly, they didn't even die on their own damned planet.

John spent the next two hours re writing them. There was no one back on earth for Sam Quinn and no military honor would mean anything to the young girl carrying her dead lover's child. The Athosian settlement got as much help as Atlantis was able to give them but John made a mental note that Kyala would receive all the help she needed to bring up the child of one of his men.

At 1751 John hit send and dispatched the letters which would be sent on to Stargate Command during the next data transfer. He made his way into the bathroom and splashed his face and was in the process of drying it when his radio chirped.

"Sheppard you're late!" the disembodied voice of Rodney McKay groused in his ear.

John activated his earpiece, " I'm not late McKay your early I'll be there in five ok?" There was a sulky huffing noise then "Fine." And then the link went dead.

"See 1800 hours on the dot. That was the time we arranged McKay?" John smiled smugly at the indignant look on Rodney's face as he set his tray down on the table across from him.

"How's the head?" Rodney asked around a mouthful of pasta.

"Better than it was. Thanks for the painkillers. Having you on my team is like having my own little walking pharmacy." 

Rodney frowned then nodded then swallowed then added, "nice to know I'm good for something. Do you know what those idiots decided to do while I was on the mainland? Honestly it’s a myth that little grey aliens make good scientists."

For the next hour John listened to Rodney complain about Hermiod's reluctance to do anything and Radek's insistence that he check everything twenty times before they try it out.

"Seems to me like you have your hands full keeping those two in check McKay," John said as he pushed his try away from him and lifted his mug to finish his coffee.

"Is that all you're going to eat?" Rodney asked indignantly. "Is it any wonder you get headaches and practically fall over? OH God, you could be hypoglycemic! Have you ever been checked out? Maybe you should go se Kellar."

"Rodney! I'm fine ok its just been a tough few weeks. A couple of early nights just me my Johnny Cash CD and my book and I'll be all bright eyed and bushy tailed I promise you." John stood and laid his hand on Rodney's shoulder. "Honestly buddy I'm OK, catch you tomorrow same time for something to eat?" 

Rodney sighed, "We're going to be running trials tomorrow probably won't be back in the city until the day after. That doesn't mean you can neglect yourself though."

John grinned, "I promise I'll make time to eat. Catch you when you get back."

@@@@@@@@@

Stephen Caldwell sat in his new office come lounge reading over John Sheppard's file for the umpteenth time since he had been introduced to the man.  
It was almost incomprehensible that he was contemplating taking this man on as his submissive. He absently rubbed his hand across his forehead.  
Sheppard's file was one massive contradiction from start to finish.

He did well in all his academic work attaining top marks on every paper but he pretended to know virtually nothing about anything. He excelled at flying and was top of his class and yet where others in his position would have surrounded themselves with awed admirers John Sheppard kept himself to himself.

His file was full of commendations for bravery and reprimands for not following procedure. 

John Sheppard's file gave the impression that he was the kind of man you would want at your back if you got into trouble. He was fiercely loyal to those he served with in Afghanistan and laid his life on the line for them time and time again. And yet you couldn't be sure if he would follow your orders.

He could literally make any airplane you gave him dance a ballet in the sky and that’s what stopped the air force kicking him out. Sheppard for his part seemed to be quit happy to run milk runs across the Antarctic until the next time the air force needed cannon fodder or someone to volunteer for a suicide mission.  
It had only been since taking on the task of becoming the military leader of Atlantis that Sheppard had seemed to come into his own. True his reports might be late and a bit slapdash but the fact remained that Sheppard was liked by both the civilian and the military personnel. He had proved himself over and over again that he would do everything in his power to keep them and the city safe but it was now beginning to take its toll and those people that Sheppard fought so gallantly to keep alive were oblivious to the fact that the man they relied on to do so was slowly coming apart inside.

Stephen Caldwell had never before taken on a military partner and he couldn't help the feeling that he could be taking one of the biggest risks of his career.

The facts were that this was in no way going to be a normal relationship between two serving officers but a homosexual relationship based on domination and submission.

Where their sexuality was their own business as long as they didn't flaunt it in anyone's face as Sheppard's CO he could be seen to have abused his position. If it all went tits up those wanting his dishonorable discharge would say that he had coerced Sheppard into an abusive relationship.

Caldwell pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.

"Do I really want to go ahead and do this?"

"Aye Stephen ye do, ye know ye do."

"What makes you so sure? I mean floating about disembodied can hardly make you a reliable source sweetheart." Caldwell chuckled low.

"And what would ye know about that then? And ah told ye before that the boy was needing help before I ascended. Which I would like to point out isn't quite as scary as you would think love."

"He's reckless, unpredictable –"

"Loyal and kind and hurting now isn't that the truth?" The soft Scotch brogue continued at his side.

"Ye saw the state he was in when he came to you. I saw how quickly ye brought him down, how ye made him rest."

"I thought you weren't supposed to interfere?" Caldwell's voice was teasing.

"If Daniel Jackson could damn well do it then I'll be buggered if I won't. And anyway I have a vested interest. I need to know my lover is being looked after and John Sheppard will look after you love I'm sure of it."

"You know you'll spoil my performance if I think that you're somewhere looking over my shoulder when I have Sheppard here."

"Och away with ye, I've seen you in action before. We have shared subs remember?"

"You were kinda alive then Carson." Caldwell smiled. "You know it was really hot when we used him at the same time but knowing you're lurking about in my room when I can't see you?"

"OK point taken, I'll keep myself to myself for the time being but you know I won't be far away."

Caldwell felt the brush of something on his cheek; he could almost have believed it was the touch of Carson's lips only Carson couldn't physically touch him. He mourned the fact that he couldn't even tell those others that loved the Scot that the gentle doctor had ascended. How could he? How could he explain why Carson made himself known to Colonel Stephen Caldwell and not to his other friends? To do so would mean he would have to reveal their relationship.

Caldwell became aware that he was now alone and glanced at the time displayed in the corner of his laptop watching as it hit 2100 hours. He stood up from his chair and opened the door.

"Come in John," 

John Sheppard took a wary step into the room and glanced around at the new furniture noticing to the new door in the middle of the room.

"I see you had the engineers doing overtime." He said, trying his best to keep the nervousness from his voice.

Caldwell nodded and smiled, "Rank has its privileges. Take a seat John."

Caldwell made his way back to his desk and closed down his laptop then grabbed the bottle of Scotch that was sitting beside it and the two glasses and made his way back to sit beside John on the couch.

"So why are you here John?" He handed John a glass and poured the amber liquid into it.

"You know why Sir," John said quietly while taking the glass out of Stephen Caldwell's hand and putting it down on the table. He slid to his knees in front of is CO slipping his hands behind his back and bowing his head.

Caldwell took a sip from the drink he had poured for himself and stared at John for a moment then reached forward and cupped his free hand under John's chin lifting his head until he met the soldier's eyes.  
"That’s very pretty John. I can see that you have been doing your homework but it's not quite as easy as that. There are rules in a lifestyle such as this. There is a need for discussion. I need to know where you're limits are and how far beyond them I can take you if I see the need." He stroked his thumb across John's jaw.

"Respite comes at a price." He continued gently, "Why don't you sit up and tell me what you think you are getting yourself into."

John didn't get up onto the couch but settled himself more comfortably back on his heels and then reached for his drink.

"Domination and submission," he said quietly, "it’s a power exchange where one party hands over their own power and their body to another. It's up to the dominant how he chooses to use the power he has been given." He took a small sip from his glass.

"How do you feel about that John? How do you feel about handing over your body to me? You would be answerable to me. If you gave me cause I would punish you physically. I might even decide to hurt you just because your body would be mine to hurt. How would you feel about me using you? Denying you your right to sexual release while taking my own?"

"I need –" John's voice broke, "please Sir."

Caldwell leaned forward and gripped John's chin, "Take of your shirt I want a proper look at what it is I'm taking on." 

John swallowed hard and unbuttoned the black shirt he was wearing and sliding it off over his shoulders. Caldwell had seen him naked when he had insisted he shower and sleep in his bed but he had kept his distance.

Caldwell drew his hand across John's skin drawing a shiver from the man on his knees.

"Stand and take off the rest." He pinched John's right nipple before he sat back giving John space.

John did as he was asked, first kicking off his sneakers and then unfastening his jeans and sliding them off over his slender hips. He stood naked in front of his CO suddenly aware that the only sound he could hear was the pounding of his own heart in his ears.

"How long has it been since you were touched?" Caldwell's voice broke through John's fugue.

"Sir, I –" John groaned when Caldwell leaned in and took his cock in his hand and started to tug on it gently causing it to fill with blood until it has hard and leaking slightly.

John screwed his eyes tight shut and let out a low moan as his hips jerked forward.  
He yelped when the gentle stroking stopped and his swollen cock was slapped hard.

"When I ask you a question John I expect an answer," his cock was slapped hard again and John rocked back on his feet a soft whimper escaping from his lips.

"I'm sorry, too long Sir its been too long since a man touched me."

Caldwell wrapped his hand round John's cock again and pumped him until John was moaning and thrusting in counterpoint to Caldwell. He could feel his orgasm building in the pit of his stomach and his cock was leaking heavily then suddenly the exquisite stimulation stopped again and John whimpered in distress.

"So endeth the first lesson," Caldwell leaned in and swiped his tongue across the weeping tip of John's cock then stood up. "You don't come tonight." Caldwell left him and headed into the other room. He came back a few minutes later and took Johns cock again in his hand and John who was shaking with need and watched as Caldwell wrapped a leather band around the base of the heavy shaft and snapping shut the fastener. A moment later John's balls were being fondled and tugged downwards and a soft leather cuff was wrapped around the smooth skin pushing his balls downwards and forcing the remaining skin to tighten around his testicles.

John's emotions were in turmoil, he felt exhausted, he wanted to come so badly, he wanted to sleep, he wanted to switch off.

A warm breath at his ear drew his attention away from his aching cock. 

"Time to sleep John, this should stop you coming and making a mess of my sheets." 

Caldwell placed his hand on John's shoulder and turned him towards the bedroom. The beds from both of the rooms were in there now and had been made up as one. Caldwell pulled back the covers and guided John to the top of the bed then eased him down and pulled up the covers.  
Just before he had moved away to strip himself he saw John's eyelids flutter shut. He had figured that the soldier would be too uncomfortable to sleep with the leather cock ring maintaining that hard erection and the soft leather ball stretcher making his testicles sensitive to the rub of the cotton sheets but John looked peaceful, his breathing quiet as he drifted down deeper into sleep.

Caldwell smiled and whispered into the darkness of the room.

"You may be right after all sweetheart. He needs this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author known as Haggitha is not actively writing at this time, however she has generously granted permission for her works to be archived here on AO3. If you leave comments, she _will_ see them.


	6. Chapter 6

Regretfully, when this story was unearthed from the google mail folders, chapter 6 was missing. Please accept the author and archivists apologies for any inconvenience. If it turns up, it will be added.


	7. Chapter 7

"Please!" The word, no more than a whisper, escaped John's lips. He didn't know how long he had been kneeling. It wasn't that he was in any great physical discomfort, but the fact that Caldwell had removed some of his senses distressed him more than he was willing to admit.

He shivered, then leaned forward slightly and tried to consciously relax each set of muscles from his neck down through his back. 

When he was first bound, he'd tried to tell himself this was no worse than a hostage situation where he was tied up and blindfolded. And hell, he had found himself in that situation on more than one occasion since he ventured into the Pegasus Galaxy. 

Never though, in any of those usually painful experiences, had he found himself naked with his hearing muffled by soft foam plugs,, his cock hard and weeping, secured and  
displayed in front of him like some sacrificial offering. And he was never given cushions to kneel on.

He tugged experimentally at the soft bindings keeping his arms behind his back. John absently realised that he had allowed his eyes to close because, really, there was just no point in trying to see through the blindfold that Caldwell had placed across his eyes.

The air as cool on his bare skin, and John detected slight changes when Caldwell would make his way passed him to perhaps fetch something from the other room.

He tried to focus on any small vibration and inhaled deeply through his nose to catch the reassuring smell of Stephen Caldwell's usual aftershave. John had always thought, when interacting with Caldwell, that the light somewhat vanilla scented cologne didn't really suit the military toned body that housed those piercing brown eyes and crisp no nonsense voice, but right now that same somewhat sweet smell helped to ground him.

He flinched, as though burned when a warm hand slid all the way down his spine tracing every one of the too prominent vertebrae. John realised that strange keening sound he could hear, was escaping from his own lips.

He forced himself to move back increasing the pressure and heat on his skin from that roaming hand. Fingers under his chin tilted his head up so that soft gentle lips could brush against his own. The kiss continued until Caldwell? Yes he knew it was Caldwell, he knew his touch, his smell and his taste, had mapped out the whole of his mouth. The fingers under his chin moving in a stroking motion.

John surrendered to the kiss, tentatively moving his tongue so that it slid against his CO's. He could get up, he told himself; he could get up and straighten out those long legs of his, legs that trembled under the strain of trying to keep still. He didn't have to do this. Caldwell had said as much. Said this new relationship could end if that’s what John wanted. And suddenly, he knew he didn't want it to.

His mind wandered back to when he'd wakened with the heavy aching pressure on his nipple earlier that morning. John shivered. It had been a terrifying, confusing experience, but he clung to the other emotions it had brought to the surface. Pleasure lay under the pain and he had drifted towards that pleasure without hesitation.

Warm gusts of air came from somewhere to his right, Caldwell's hand now stroking up and down his back. Petting him like some well toned feline. Caldwell hadn't left him alone. John found it hard to comprehend just how grateful he was for that kindness.

John felt himself begin to drift; it was a surreal feeling, almost like he was watching it happen to someone else. Suddenly, within the dark quiet world that Caldwell had manoeuvred him into, he found stillness and complete peace. The light touch stroking his skin stayed with him. It felt like each and every one of his senses were on fire.

John began to sway on his knees, quietly humming a long forgotten song that his mother used to sing to him as a young child. There was no one demanding his attention in this quiet place, no one relying on him to save the day. And no one was dying on him.

\--

"Jarl," the softly spoken word sounded needy. It spoke volumes to Caldwell. It told him John needed something more. He moved round behind the kneeling man never taking his hands from the pale flesh. 

Caldwell stroked down John's back, this time going further, moving down across tight buttocks. He slipped his hand between John's legs and startled a little when John relaxed his posture and opened his legs like he had been manoeuvred into doing in the shower.

Caldwell pressed his lips against John's back as his fingers wrapped round the soft leather ball stretcher. He felt John's involuntary shiver before his body relaxed further.  
He fondled John's testicles, rolling them in his large hand and tugging gently. This was about exploring John's boundaries and he knew he had to take his time. 

His fingers coursed up and over the soft leather one more time and then they were gone.  
John whimpered in distress. Caldwell leaned in, pressing moist lips to the naked man's shoulder, it was amazing. This was their first day together, and already John was responding to his touch.

Caldwell moved away a little to pick up the items he had brought through from the bedroom. He flicked open the cap of the lube and squeezed some into his hand warming it in his palm. From what Sheppard had told him, hand jobs and the occasional blow job was the height of his experience with another man. It was time to introduce his submissive to the next step. He took his time coating the plug in the now warmed gel. Caldwell smiled; It was one of the ones he had bought at John's request. It was lime green, no bigger than two of his fingers, but Caldwell had decided that slow and steady was the way to move forward with John Sheppard. Push the soldier too hard and he got defensive and dangerous. That was the last thing Caldwell wanted to do to John.

He moved to John's side and massaged the tense muscles of the man's neck.

"You have to learn to relax John," he murmured even though the soldier couldn't hear him.

Gently he pushed John forward, there was resistance there for a minute but Stephen Caldwell took his time. He understood that John was disorientated and quite probably uncomfortable with his arms tethered behind his back. Nevertheless, the soldier eventually capitulated and rested his forehead against one of the pillows Caldwell had put on the floor.

Caldwell leaned forward, kissing his way down the curve of John's back. "Good boy," he whispered and then he moved behind John and gently pulled apart the soft white cheeks exposing John's anus to his gaze. 

John made a half strangled noise, but he didn't move. Caldwell, too, had to bite back a groan of need. God, he was hard, his cock throbbed under the soft denim of his jeans. Sheppard had made him his master so, by rights he could slide the source of his discomfort deep into that tight virgin ass and find his own inner calm. But he knew too well that would break the soldier in a way that he would never have a hope of repairing.

Caldwell dug his fingers deeper into the soft flesh and then leaned in swiping the tip of his tongue across the sensitive opening. John cried out, trembling where he knelt. 

"Oh God, oh God please…pleeaasse! Sir! Jarl!"

The puckered opening twitched and deepened in colour. Caldwell repeated the action. John gave a low guttural moan and the muscles of his ass tensed under Caldwell's fingertips.

Caldwell pulled back, but the fingers of one hand still held his sub open to him. The lime green butt plug lay slicked with lube on top of its clear cellophane packaging just at his side. He lifted it, and held it against John's opening. 

This was difficult for the soldier, he knew – difficult because John didn't have the sound of Caldwell's voice to ground him. Sheppard could only feel and submit to what Caldwell was doing to him. 

\--

The hard, unyielding plastic inched its way inside John's body. His trembling increased. His mind was racing; he was waiting for something, unbearable pain perhaps, after the glorious touch of his Master's tongue, ridicule for pretending to be something Caldwell could want? The plug slid home and his body tightened around it. His heart hammered so loudly in his chest he was sure that Atlantis's sensors would pick it up. 

\--

Caldwell slipped a hand under him and helped him sit up. A smile touched his lips when John sat back on his heels and inadvertently pushed the plug deeper inside him causing him to yelp. The soldier moved slightly to relieve the pressure and Caldwell watched as his submissive began to settle, his breathing becoming less laboured and his posture softening.

Caldwell had always appreciated beauty in both sexes, but he suddenly realised that John Sheppard was quite frankly, breathtaking. The long toned lines of the soldier's body, the dark glossy mop of unruly hair that made the seasoned soldier almost boyish looking, the hard swollen cock, red and leaking because of what Caldwell was doing to his body. 

Taking his time he slid the mask from John's eyes. John blinked his eyes big and owlish until he became accustomed to the dimly lit room that Caldwell used as his sitting room cum office. Caldwell took the soft plugs from John's ears, then moved round behind Sheppard and released the cuffs.

"How do you feel?" 

John winced, he had been kept in the quiet darkness of his own body for what seemed like hours, and Caldwell's voice even kept low sounded loud to him.  
He stayed perfectly still while Caldwell rubbed the circulation back into his limbs, then turned and met his master's eyes.

"Tired, Jarl," he said quietly, "the -- the plug, it's hard."

Caldwell lifted his hand to John's face and stroked across his cheek with his thumb. "But you'll wear it for me, John," he said gently. 

John nodded, "yes, Jarl." 

Caldwell slid his hand down John's chest to the heavy cock and wrapped his hand around it. 

"You've been so good, John, you've done everything your master has asked," the grip round John's cock tightened and Caldwell asked quietly, "do you deserve to come?" 

John looked for any sign of mocking in Caldwell's dark eyes and saw none. "If it pleases you, but – " John chewed on his lower lip unable to tear his gaze away from Caldwell's.

"But what, John?" Caldwell's hand slid along John's aching shaft. 

John closed his eyes and swayed into Caldwell's fist, "John?" Caldwell repeated.

"You, Jarl, please, you've not --- not once." John whimpered as Caldwell stroked a thumb across the leaking head of his cock.

Caldwell studied Sheppard closely. "How long since you tasted a man?"

John forced his eyes open again and met Caldwell's gaze. "Too long, Jarl."

Caldwell nodded and got to his feet in front of Sheppard. Slowly he undid each button of the soft faded blue jeans he had put on after their earlier shower and then he released his heavy cock. 

"You're tired, John," he said gently. "I'm not going to ask more from you than to hold very still and keep your mouth open." 

John nodded then took a deep breath bracing himself for Caldwell to start using his mouth.

Caldwell widened his stance and began to stroke his aching cock right in front of Sheppard. The soldier watched, fascinated, as droplets of pre come seeped from the thick head. He unconsciously licked his lips. Caldwell leaned in a little and drew the tip of his cock along John's bottom lip. He shuddered when John's tongue came out and swiped away the droplets of fluid.

John knew Caldwell was close by the hitch in the man's breathing. 

"Open!" the word was ground out like a military command and John obeyed. A moment later Caldwell was emptying himself into John's mouth and John was swallowing down the salty fluid as fast as he could without gagging.

Caldwell tucked himself in and pulled John to his feet. He slid his hand round the back of John's head and pulled him into a demanding kiss. His tongue dipped into an unresisting John Sheppard's mouth and he let out what sounded like a possessive growl when he tasted himself there. He bit and sucked at Sheppard's lips. 

Sheppard stiffened wondering if he had done something wrong.

With a sigh Caldwell pulled back and John couldn't help but lift his hand and touch Caldwell's arm.

"Jarl? Did – did I do something wrong?" John shifted on his feet, gasping when the plug shifted inside him.

"No, John," Caldwell took that opportunity to cover John's hand with his own while he turned him and started to walk him towards the bedroom. "You did everything I had planned for today, everything and more." Caldwell walked John to the bed and placed his hand on his submissive's shoulder turning him to face him. 

"I want you to rest, then we will go and eat ok?"

John nodded and yawned and eased himself gingerly down onto the bed. His ass was filled by hard plastic and his cock was heavy between his legs. He wondered fleetingly if Caldwell would make him stay like this even in the mess hall, and then as Caldwell lifted his legs into the bed and covered him up, he decided that it didn't matter if he did or not. Caldwell was his master, his Jarl. He was the man who could transport him to a place where no one wanted him to protect them, no one wanted him to make all the calls and most of all no one died.

John reached out and touched Caldwell's hand as the man turned to go. Caldwell stopped and looked down at him.

"Thank you," John whispered even as his eyelids were falling closed.

Caldwell smiled and headed back into the small sitting room. "Thank you, John," he said quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author known as Haggitha is not actively writing at this time, however she has generously granted permission for her works to be archived here on AO3. If you leave comments, she _will_ see them.

**Author's Note:**

> The author known as Haggitha is not actively writing at this time, but has generously granted permission for her works to be archived here on AO3. If you leave comments, she _will_ see them.


End file.
